One Year Ago Tomorrow (not my usual kind of post)

Up until one year ago tomorrow my pregnancy was going great. I was 19 1/2 weeks pregnant and had found out a little over a week before that I was having a girl and a boy. I couldn't have been happier. It is amazing how quickly things changed.

I woke up on May 18, 2008 which was a Sunday morning. Stu left for his drill at the firehouse and I went food shopping at Wegman's. I came home from shopping and put away the groceries and then talked to my parents for awhile. They had just come back from their cruise and were driving home to their house from the port. When I got off the phone I went to the bathroom and that is when things happened. I went to the bathroom and stood up and all of a sudden there was a gush. I knew I wasn't going to the bathroom since I had just gone. The only thing I could think was my water had broken. Only it was way too early. I called the doctor and I called Stu at the firehouse and told him that he had to get home. The doctor called back and told me to go to the hospital right away.

We got to the hospital and the doctor told me that the sac on my baby girl had ruptured. She had no water left but did still have a heartbeat and was still moving. He told me that I would be admitted to the hospital for an indefinite amount of time and that one of the doctors from my high risk group would be coming to the hospital that day to also do an exam. Dr. Nath, from my high risk group came, and confirmed what Dr. Henderson had told me. That the sac on my girl had ruptured. He said most likely an infection is what had caused it to rupture so they immediately started me on high doses of antibiotics. He checked my cervix and it was still closed. He told me that one of three scenarios would happen. I would either lose both babies, I would lose my girl and stay pregnant with my boy, or my girl would die in me and I would stay pregnant with both babies. I was also told that I would be staying in the hospital for awhile and was moved to antepartum.

Everyday a doctor from my ob group stopped in to see me. It seemed that they thought most likely I would lose both babies. They even told me that I could make the choice to end the pregnancy at any time. They would give me something to start contractions and make me deliver the babies. Only I couldn't do this knowing that I had a baby boy that was still in his unruptured sac. I knew I had to give him every chance that I could to make it. Every few days a doctor from my high risk group stopped by. Dr. Gonzales, one of the doctors from this group, really gave me hope. He had seen situations before where one baby was delivered too early where the woman stayed pregnant with the other twin. That was the hope that I needed to continue the bedrest. I continued to leak fluid everyday. As the baby pees more fluid builds up. I was hoping since she was in a little amount of fluid that she would continue to grow and her lungs develop.

I had many visitors at the hospital and my mom was at the hospital with me almost everyday when Stu was at work. Stu came to the hospital everyday after work until he had to go home to go to sleep. I don't think I would have made it without everyone.

A week after my sac ruptured I started having contractions at night. The next day in the late afternoon, on Memorial Day, I delivered my baby girl. I then had a choice to make. Did I want to take something to speed up contractions so I could deliver the other baby or did I want to take something to try to stop contractions? The doctor that delivered my girl still did not think that I would stay pregnant since he had never seen that happen before. We decided to try to stop contractions and see on an ultrasound the next day if everything still looked ok with the boy. I got one shot of brethane to stop contractions and they stopped. My cervix then closed and I wound up staying pregnant. I had a cerclage and then finally got to go home 2 weeks after I was admitted to the hospital to continue bedrest at home.

Since I had the baby after 20 weeks gestation we were responsible for her body. She was born with a heartbeat but her lungs were so underdeveloped since she was born at 20 1/2 weeks. A baby is not usually viable until 24 weeks although there are many 23 weekers on a micro-preemie message board that I am part of that are surviving now. We decided to cremate her since we were so focused on staying pregnant with the other baby. We had the option of seeing her and holding her after she was born but we decided not to since I was still pregnant with the other baby. We really were so focused on the other baby. The hospital did take pictures of her and put them in a memory box that they sent home with us. We haven't named her yet but probably will so that when we tell Brandon about his twin one day we can refer to her by name. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her.

Brandon really is my true miracle baby and I am so happy that he is here. I could have so easily have lost him the night that I delivered my baby girl but he stayed put for another 5 1/2 weeks and today is a remarkable baby.

I have changed over the last year. I don't know how you can go through something that I did without changing. I am not the same person today that I was a year ago.

Having a preemie has not been the easiest thing. I love Brandon more than words can say but I would not wish a preemie on anyone. With a preemie you worry about everything. When he first came home he had 2-3 doctors appointments a week between the pediatrician, eye doctor, cardiologist, and pulminologist. I was not allowed to take Brandon into public for the first time until he was almost 10 months old. Not because I didn't want to but because of RSV. I don't think many of my friends get what it is like. Several have made comments to me throughout the time we were under "house arrest" about what is the big deal about taking him out. I would have loved to show him off to people. He is 10 1/2 months old now and most of my friends and some family still have not seen him.

I feel robbed of getting to experience a full pregnancy. I hadn't even made it to my third trimester yet. I had just started to feel and see Brandon move the few weeks before I had him.

I am blesserd though with my beautiful baby boy and I wouldn't trade him for the world.